This is so on point, Jeff! I, too, live in a city now, not a big, bustling one like NYC, but a city nonetheless, and never saw myself there before. Having been here for the past 6 years, I can’t imagine a life in the ‘burbs ever again. So much diversity (I love that!) adds flavor to life! I always enjoy your posts, cousin! Keep them coming!
I, of course, grew up in a burb of Chicago. Lily white. I don't think I would feel comfortable there again, although I'd love to walk through the old family home. I'd like to try a smaller western town, say in Montana, but real estate has exploded through the roof as the wealthy buy up 2nd homes they might spend a few weeks a year in. Thanks for reading and commenting.
It’s a beautiful realization, Jeff, that the sprawling density of a place like New York eventually dissolves into these small rituals of recognition. Swapping names with James or Douglas isn't just about polite commerce; it’s the quiet architecture of belonging that keeps the city's sharper edges at bay. That grocery store "breakthrough" is a perfect reminder that humanity often just requires a bit of stubborn visibility to finally mirror itself back to us, my friend.
So well said, Dennis, as always. The "sharper edges" reference reminds me of roller derby, which the city can sometimes feel like.
I was in the grocery store again yesterday and caught the eye of another clerk who has checked me out a hundred times. I gave her a half salute and a smile, and she returned the smile and nodded. Progress!
"Until one day, he didn’t. He started to walk away, then turned to look at her. He then briefly touched the brim of his cap and eked out the tiniest of smiles, as if to say, “OK, I see you.” Yes, I know it’s a movie, but her reaction of gratitude at finally being seen always brings a smile to my face." ~ My favorite part of the movie. Reading this made me smile, as did your stories about your neighbors. It's quite a feeling to have that connection.
There's a local coffee shop I visited almost every Friday in a different life, and I loved seeing Melissa and exchanging our insights of the day. Now, I only stop if I am on my way home from a doctor's appointment that takes me that way. But it's always the same great camaraderie and hellos.
Recently, my husband and I stopped at another old haunt of ours - a great breakfast and lunch spot. The person who waited on us was the same person who had worked there for years. I feel terrible that her name slips my mind. I didn't think she would recognize me because it's been a while, but she greeted me with "Hi, Laura. How are you?" I was so taken aback. Then again, I used to go there once a week for lunch when I worked close by. So, it became a familiar place in my timeline. But that feeling of familiarity, of neighborhood connections, is something truly special.
What powerful remembrances, Laura. Names are so important. The draft title for the essay was "Rose," as in "a rose by any other name..." but it was too obscure. We all want to be seen and heard. Thanks for reading and commenting.
Excellent piece, Jeff, and highly relatable to us here in the Alachua woods of north Florida. We've come to know and love all those we interact with on a daily basis here. The on-site community numbers just 17 counting us, and we really are like a family without the scuffling and sparring. Ours is also a diverse community with transient people visiting from around the globe, and finding welcome here. There's a lot to be said for being part of a community where 'everybody knows your name.' Keep it coming.
Byron, your reference to "Cheers!" is ironic, since it's one of the draft titles I was toying with for the spirit you mention. But I thought many readers wouldn't get it. Glad you two landed in a good spot. It makes a difference, yes? Thanks for reading and commenting.
Love, love, love this!! "Science knows something here. From a physics perspective, the color white, as a wavelength of light, doesn’t truly exist; it is a mixture of all visible light wavelengths." Can I post on FB attributed to you? It speaks VOLUMES.
For the past several years, I have made it a practice to look at people and smile as I walk down the street. Responses are varied...."what are you up to?" to a lovely smile back. And it varies by location. Here in the mountains, the smiles are far more prevalent than in Florida. Thankfully.
So...the point about physics only works in the context of the essay's message. If you provide some context, great, but you don't have to attribute it to me.
It doesn't surprise me that the mountains are friendlier than FL. At the risk of way overgeneralizing, you have a tremendous number of transplants from NY down there.
Glad you liked the essay. It's a fascinating neighborhood. The car horns are serenading me as I type.
Trust me, I'd much rather be your neighbor, Carol, but it's not in the cards, so I've had to adjust. You can't be the services, though. We can have just about anything we need delivered. There is that.
I love shopping in Europe, where everything is fresh and at a different place. I imaging NYC to be similar. But, I just got back from our grocery run, and successfully got a cashier to smile - a BIG smile. I have been working on her since we moved here and she seems to know me now.
Yes, I love the idea of going out into the neighborhood and buying only what you need. Jennifer and I took a cooking class in Rome, and it started in the local market. Our host knew all the merchants by name.
We Americans overbuy because of our oversized refrigerators.
Posted on FB: My friend Jeff wrote an excellent essay, which I hope folks will read. He talks about relationships and connecting with people, particularly in his NYC neighborhood which is blessed with abundant diversity.
But his final line is gold: "Science knows something here. From a physics perspective, the color white, as a wavelength of light, doesn’t truly exist; it is a mixture of all visible light wavelengths."
It’s so much harder to dehumanize a group of the population when we actually know even one of them by name, and recognize that they are our friends and neighbors.
It's such a good point, Christopher. If you live in a hermetically sealed, homogenous community, it's easy to demonize "the other." Thanks for reading and commenting.
Wow… this is spot on, Jeff! I love the stories you share about your interactions with people you share that big city with. Having grown up in a very small, very white bread town where everybody knew everybody, I remember how eye-opening it was when I left. I traveled some before landing in another smallish community near Charlotte. So much diversity! I remember sitting in an outdoor bar/restaurant watching people come and go. I think that is when it first hit me that my worldview was about to expand significantly.
And, I enjoyed reading other comments here about the power of our names. There is science behind it, but I think we’ve all experienced that feeling of validation, importance, and being special when someone remembers our name.
But your closing thought is the money shot in this one: "Science knows something here. From a physics perspective, the color white, as a wavelength of light, doesn’t truly exist; it is a mixture of all visible light wavelengths."
I think those who live in lily-white suburbs have no idea. I didn't grow up where I did. It wasn't until I got to college that I said "Whoa!" to myself. There's a whole other world here. Sure, I read about diversity and saw its struggles on the nightly news, but it's different when you're sitting in a seminar, listening to a multitude of voices.
I was going to ask you about the science, but figured you were crazy busy. Thanks for reading, commenting, and sharing.
What a beautiful reflection on the power of simply knowing and using someone’s name. I loved how your story moved from feeling anonymous in the city to finding a thread of connection through the florist, the dry cleaner, the pub owner, and even the hardware store. It’s such a reminder that small gestures, like calling someone by name or offering a genuine smile, can transform an ordinary interaction into something meaningful. Your story about the grocery clerk’s smile really struck me it’s amazing how one human moment can feel like sunshine breaking through the clouds.
Love this Jeff. I have lived in both midsize and large cities. In every case, we had a connection with neighbors, the baristas at the local Starbucks, store owners, our mechanic etc...
My children went to schools in California and Seattle where multiple languages where spoken and we interacted with families from several countries and cultures. We became a community at each stop and for the most part looked out for each other.
Seeing the carnage being inflicted on communities by Steven Miller and his masked goons both angers and terrifies me. While it has not happened in my neighbors yet, my heart and my support goes out to Chicago, Los Angeles, Minneapolis and every other city under siege.
These tactics are not immigration enforcement they are intended to intimidate and disrupt our communities. To separate people into us vs them. I am encouraged how these communities are fighting back to protect their neighbors and friends. They are engaged and are resisting the intimidation tactics.
When they come to my community, I will be in the street actively supporting the people in my community.
"...they are intended to intimidate and disrupt our communities." If they weren't, the Republicans wouldn't be so opposed to the changes the Dems are asking for: no masks, body cameras, and traditional law enforcement uniforms rather than camo etc. Thanks, Frank.
Again, another genius writing piece (in my humble opinion)! You capture the meaning of the word "neighbor" and illustrated so well how small things like remembering and using someone's name in our neighborhood can bring people together and create community. Living where I do, where the nearest town is several miles away, getting to know folks by their name is key to making long lasting connections. I always read your column through to the end, but this time was especially rewarding as you saved the best for last..."From a physics perspective, the color white, as a wavelength of light, doesn’t truly exist; it is a mixture of all visible light wavelengths." Absolutely brilliant.
Next is to echo all the comments & compliments of your readers.
So much deliciously nourishing terrific writing, Jeff. One of your best.
I'm charmed by the opening lines: a Super Bowl ad that becomes a reflection. Pitch perfect!
While this Jersey Girl often found herself in Manhattan, there was no Sex in the City calling to make it a lifestyle or even a habit
Now Boston was different; maybe the history; maybe the connection to college weekend getaways. I have a deep fondness for Beantown.
Like you, never saw myself in the city. A college town, sure. A seaside destination, you bet! My island home is semi-rural, wildlife abounds - especially when the summer months arrive & the folks from "away" come to visit or open up their 2nd & 3rd homes. Air & water are clean. We raise a hand off the steering wheel when we pass someone on the 2-lane road. And even though there is plenty of room for a walker on the shoulder, we still pull toward - or even over - the midline. It's polite to give a wave back for the courtesy.
You know you belong when you stop to chat with someone at the ACE Hardware store, or the grocery store & catch up on their latest trip to AmeriKa or help them decide on whether or not to go to a concert, and the owner of Jupiter Coffee knows you by name & your favorite: a raspberry jammer. I stand & wave to Jim the mail carrier when I'm gardening. I know how he & his partner made it through the power outage. Soup I've made from the Deep Harvest Farm CSA baskets get frozen & then handed out in these cold dark months. We know what it means when the ambulance pulls up in front of a house in the wee small hours of the morning. What do you need? How can I help? These are our passwords.
Here's where our worlds overlap: you have created a small town with all the many first name connections. And not just that, but impressing upon us how important it is to use that first name.
We are Simpatico here. What's the point of someone wearing a name badge if we just look at it?
I have full faith & confidence in the prevailing goodness & kindness of folks who recognize our shared humanity. It's always been the difference between our salvation & damnation.
What a great collection of observations, thank you. You have to pinch yourself sometimes. It’s funny about 2nd and 3rd homes. The city gets a decibel or two quieter in the summer, when those who own homes on the island or in the mountains leave town. Not so much honking.
One of our favorite things to do with guests is to take them into Central Park during the summer. It’s a different world. People lounging on the grass with a picnic basket. Playing baseball. Feeding the ducks. Or just walking and marveling at the breakout from urban winter dreariness. People get starved for the outdoors right about now.
This is so on point, Jeff! I, too, live in a city now, not a big, bustling one like NYC, but a city nonetheless, and never saw myself there before. Having been here for the past 6 years, I can’t imagine a life in the ‘burbs ever again. So much diversity (I love that!) adds flavor to life! I always enjoy your posts, cousin! Keep them coming!
I, of course, grew up in a burb of Chicago. Lily white. I don't think I would feel comfortable there again, although I'd love to walk through the old family home. I'd like to try a smaller western town, say in Montana, but real estate has exploded through the roof as the wealthy buy up 2nd homes they might spend a few weeks a year in. Thanks for reading and commenting.
It’s a beautiful realization, Jeff, that the sprawling density of a place like New York eventually dissolves into these small rituals of recognition. Swapping names with James or Douglas isn't just about polite commerce; it’s the quiet architecture of belonging that keeps the city's sharper edges at bay. That grocery store "breakthrough" is a perfect reminder that humanity often just requires a bit of stubborn visibility to finally mirror itself back to us, my friend.
So well said, Dennis, as always. The "sharper edges" reference reminds me of roller derby, which the city can sometimes feel like.
I was in the grocery store again yesterday and caught the eye of another clerk who has checked me out a hundred times. I gave her a half salute and a smile, and she returned the smile and nodded. Progress!
Thanks for reading and commenting.
"Until one day, he didn’t. He started to walk away, then turned to look at her. He then briefly touched the brim of his cap and eked out the tiniest of smiles, as if to say, “OK, I see you.” Yes, I know it’s a movie, but her reaction of gratitude at finally being seen always brings a smile to my face." ~ My favorite part of the movie. Reading this made me smile, as did your stories about your neighbors. It's quite a feeling to have that connection.
There's a local coffee shop I visited almost every Friday in a different life, and I loved seeing Melissa and exchanging our insights of the day. Now, I only stop if I am on my way home from a doctor's appointment that takes me that way. But it's always the same great camaraderie and hellos.
Recently, my husband and I stopped at another old haunt of ours - a great breakfast and lunch spot. The person who waited on us was the same person who had worked there for years. I feel terrible that her name slips my mind. I didn't think she would recognize me because it's been a while, but she greeted me with "Hi, Laura. How are you?" I was so taken aback. Then again, I used to go there once a week for lunch when I worked close by. So, it became a familiar place in my timeline. But that feeling of familiarity, of neighborhood connections, is something truly special.
What powerful remembrances, Laura. Names are so important. The draft title for the essay was "Rose," as in "a rose by any other name..." but it was too obscure. We all want to be seen and heard. Thanks for reading and commenting.
Excellent piece, Jeff, and highly relatable to us here in the Alachua woods of north Florida. We've come to know and love all those we interact with on a daily basis here. The on-site community numbers just 17 counting us, and we really are like a family without the scuffling and sparring. Ours is also a diverse community with transient people visiting from around the globe, and finding welcome here. There's a lot to be said for being part of a community where 'everybody knows your name.' Keep it coming.
Byron, your reference to "Cheers!" is ironic, since it's one of the draft titles I was toying with for the spirit you mention. But I thought many readers wouldn't get it. Glad you two landed in a good spot. It makes a difference, yes? Thanks for reading and commenting.
Love, love, love this!! "Science knows something here. From a physics perspective, the color white, as a wavelength of light, doesn’t truly exist; it is a mixture of all visible light wavelengths." Can I post on FB attributed to you? It speaks VOLUMES.
For the past several years, I have made it a practice to look at people and smile as I walk down the street. Responses are varied...."what are you up to?" to a lovely smile back. And it varies by location. Here in the mountains, the smiles are far more prevalent than in Florida. Thankfully.
So...the point about physics only works in the context of the essay's message. If you provide some context, great, but you don't have to attribute it to me.
It doesn't surprise me that the mountains are friendlier than FL. At the risk of way overgeneralizing, you have a tremendous number of transplants from NY down there.
Glad you liked the essay. It's a fascinating neighborhood. The car horns are serenading me as I type.
I can provide context....I cannot imagine living in a city. I've always lived in the 'burbs - until now. I like the mountains better.
What's funny is how many FL transplants there are here in NC.
Trust me, I'd much rather be your neighbor, Carol, but it's not in the cards, so I've had to adjust. You can't be the services, though. We can have just about anything we need delivered. There is that.
I love shopping in Europe, where everything is fresh and at a different place. I imaging NYC to be similar. But, I just got back from our grocery run, and successfully got a cashier to smile - a BIG smile. I have been working on her since we moved here and she seems to know me now.
Yea!
Yes, I love the idea of going out into the neighborhood and buying only what you need. Jennifer and I took a cooking class in Rome, and it started in the local market. Our host knew all the merchants by name.
We Americans overbuy because of our oversized refrigerators.
Posted on FB: My friend Jeff wrote an excellent essay, which I hope folks will read. He talks about relationships and connecting with people, particularly in his NYC neighborhood which is blessed with abundant diversity.
But his final line is gold: "Science knows something here. From a physics perspective, the color white, as a wavelength of light, doesn’t truly exist; it is a mixture of all visible light wavelengths."
https://jeffikler.substack.com/p/small-rituals
We Americans do a lot of things that others would shake their heads at....
It’s so much harder to dehumanize a group of the population when we actually know even one of them by name, and recognize that they are our friends and neighbors.
It's such a good point, Christopher. If you live in a hermetically sealed, homogenous community, it's easy to demonize "the other." Thanks for reading and commenting.
You are so lucky to have a tribe
Cultivated, I can assure you.
Wow… this is spot on, Jeff! I love the stories you share about your interactions with people you share that big city with. Having grown up in a very small, very white bread town where everybody knew everybody, I remember how eye-opening it was when I left. I traveled some before landing in another smallish community near Charlotte. So much diversity! I remember sitting in an outdoor bar/restaurant watching people come and go. I think that is when it first hit me that my worldview was about to expand significantly.
And, I enjoyed reading other comments here about the power of our names. There is science behind it, but I think we’ve all experienced that feeling of validation, importance, and being special when someone remembers our name.
But your closing thought is the money shot in this one: "Science knows something here. From a physics perspective, the color white, as a wavelength of light, doesn’t truly exist; it is a mixture of all visible light wavelengths."
Thank you, Jeff. This one is one of your best!
I think those who live in lily-white suburbs have no idea. I didn't grow up where I did. It wasn't until I got to college that I said "Whoa!" to myself. There's a whole other world here. Sure, I read about diversity and saw its struggles on the nightly news, but it's different when you're sitting in a seminar, listening to a multitude of voices.
I was going to ask you about the science, but figured you were crazy busy. Thanks for reading, commenting, and sharing.
What a beautiful reflection on the power of simply knowing and using someone’s name. I loved how your story moved from feeling anonymous in the city to finding a thread of connection through the florist, the dry cleaner, the pub owner, and even the hardware store. It’s such a reminder that small gestures, like calling someone by name or offering a genuine smile, can transform an ordinary interaction into something meaningful. Your story about the grocery clerk’s smile really struck me it’s amazing how one human moment can feel like sunshine breaking through the clouds.
Thank you for reading and your insightful comment.
Love this Jeff. I have lived in both midsize and large cities. In every case, we had a connection with neighbors, the baristas at the local Starbucks, store owners, our mechanic etc...
My children went to schools in California and Seattle where multiple languages where spoken and we interacted with families from several countries and cultures. We became a community at each stop and for the most part looked out for each other.
Seeing the carnage being inflicted on communities by Steven Miller and his masked goons both angers and terrifies me. While it has not happened in my neighbors yet, my heart and my support goes out to Chicago, Los Angeles, Minneapolis and every other city under siege.
These tactics are not immigration enforcement they are intended to intimidate and disrupt our communities. To separate people into us vs them. I am encouraged how these communities are fighting back to protect their neighbors and friends. They are engaged and are resisting the intimidation tactics.
When they come to my community, I will be in the street actively supporting the people in my community.
"...they are intended to intimidate and disrupt our communities." If they weren't, the Republicans wouldn't be so opposed to the changes the Dems are asking for: no masks, body cameras, and traditional law enforcement uniforms rather than camo etc. Thanks, Frank.
We will never surrender.
Love going behind the scenes in NYC life! You made it come alive. Keep connecting!
Again, another genius writing piece (in my humble opinion)! You capture the meaning of the word "neighbor" and illustrated so well how small things like remembering and using someone's name in our neighborhood can bring people together and create community. Living where I do, where the nearest town is several miles away, getting to know folks by their name is key to making long lasting connections. I always read your column through to the end, but this time was especially rewarding as you saved the best for last..."From a physics perspective, the color white, as a wavelength of light, doesn’t truly exist; it is a mixture of all visible light wavelengths." Absolutely brilliant.
Thanks for reading and commenting, Luv! Glad it resonated.
I took the easy way out with a ReStack & a note.
Next is to echo all the comments & compliments of your readers.
So much deliciously nourishing terrific writing, Jeff. One of your best.
I'm charmed by the opening lines: a Super Bowl ad that becomes a reflection. Pitch perfect!
While this Jersey Girl often found herself in Manhattan, there was no Sex in the City calling to make it a lifestyle or even a habit
Now Boston was different; maybe the history; maybe the connection to college weekend getaways. I have a deep fondness for Beantown.
Like you, never saw myself in the city. A college town, sure. A seaside destination, you bet! My island home is semi-rural, wildlife abounds - especially when the summer months arrive & the folks from "away" come to visit or open up their 2nd & 3rd homes. Air & water are clean. We raise a hand off the steering wheel when we pass someone on the 2-lane road. And even though there is plenty of room for a walker on the shoulder, we still pull toward - or even over - the midline. It's polite to give a wave back for the courtesy.
You know you belong when you stop to chat with someone at the ACE Hardware store, or the grocery store & catch up on their latest trip to AmeriKa or help them decide on whether or not to go to a concert, and the owner of Jupiter Coffee knows you by name & your favorite: a raspberry jammer. I stand & wave to Jim the mail carrier when I'm gardening. I know how he & his partner made it through the power outage. Soup I've made from the Deep Harvest Farm CSA baskets get frozen & then handed out in these cold dark months. We know what it means when the ambulance pulls up in front of a house in the wee small hours of the morning. What do you need? How can I help? These are our passwords.
Here's where our worlds overlap: you have created a small town with all the many first name connections. And not just that, but impressing upon us how important it is to use that first name.
We are Simpatico here. What's the point of someone wearing a name badge if we just look at it?
I have full faith & confidence in the prevailing goodness & kindness of folks who recognize our shared humanity. It's always been the difference between our salvation & damnation.
Thank you for inviting us home.
What a great collection of observations, thank you. You have to pinch yourself sometimes. It’s funny about 2nd and 3rd homes. The city gets a decibel or two quieter in the summer, when those who own homes on the island or in the mountains leave town. Not so much honking.
One of our favorite things to do with guests is to take them into Central Park during the summer. It’s a different world. People lounging on the grass with a picnic basket. Playing baseball. Feeding the ducks. Or just walking and marveling at the breakout from urban winter dreariness. People get starved for the outdoors right about now.
Thanks for your comments and share throughout.
Yes, like a world away ...... when we venture out
We have an island nursery of the same name: Venture Out
I like to think of gardeners & non-gardeners alike getting a dose of what does them good.
You're welcome!